Around the Kitchen Table: The Cultures We Create and the People We Choose

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Now this week’s topic:

The Cultures We Create and the People We Choose

It’s been interesting to watch all the pundits on TV, or to read about, and listen to the rollercoaster of emotions as a result of the elections. Now as we approach the holidays, I am grappling with what some family gatherings might look like this year – the many interactions from around the kitchen table; paying attention to the familial roles and emotional maturity levels that Dr. Liberty describes in the book, The Maturity Factor.

Just like in any workplace, every family has its own “culture.”

You might not see it right away, but it’s there. That invisible thing that shapes how you communicate (or not), solve problems (or don’t), and show love. A friend recently described it as those times reminiscing about or longing for a “Soul Food” moment, like in the movie. It’s about that Sunday dinner— everybody shows up, eats too much, and talks even more.

Pain teaches you.

The way your family handles the tough issues/situations and difficult conversations teaches you about group communication dynamics. Some families are all about “hushing” things up, sweeping things under the rug like you can’t see that big old “elephant in the middle of the room” (whatever that “IT” is) while others are going to talk it all out, loud and long, until everyone’s heard and maybe even a little hoarse or as I sometimes describe it as “consensus by fatigue.” That’s the family culture at play - shaping how you do things, just like a workplace.

The characters or roles played in the movie “Soul Food” are similar to a workplace. Everybody’s got their position. Who’s in those roles? What role do they play? Some folks got the position by “default” - didn’t even sign up for it, they were just “drafted” or as I call it, “volun-told”. This reasoning could be the workplace equivalent to “How did THEY get a leadership job?”

Emotional Maturity Around the Table.

Take a look at the family composition in the context of a workplace. What kinds of people will gather around dinner tables this holiday season? What’s their level of maturity that Dr. Larry Liberty describes in The Maturity Factor? And how, as depicted in Soul Food, does the family’s culture shape the way critical decisions are made? Who are the adults in your family? Who acts like a teenager? As a reminder, maturity does not necessarily go along with aging. Who can you identify in your family:

• Wise Adult Family Member: Seasoned. Responsible, Reflective. This wise elder might be mama, daddy, your Big Mama or Pops, or maybe even Auntie, but there’s always someone who keeps everybody in line. This is the person who calls the shots and doesn’t deal with foolishness. They’re like the CEO. Their leadership sets the tone.
  

• The Family Historian Family Member: (special category) This individual plays a key role. The one who knows about how we’re related to everybody. That’s the one keeping track of all the records, and many of the family secrets; like that administrative assistant who knows where every file and workplace story is buried.
  

• Young Adult Family Member: Enthusiastic and often idealistic individuals. They are open to learning but may lack the wisdom of older family. Some are the doers- the dependable ones; they who show up early, leave late, and make sure things get done, even when nobody’s looking. They don’t need praise. That’s like the steady employee at work, who doesn’t thrive in chaos and drama; they just need things to run smooth, get things done.
  

• High-functioning Adolescent Family Member: They may appear smart and competent on the surface, but when you get down to it, create challenges by bringing unnecessary drama. Highly capable and ambitious - will use their authority, power, and influence in ways that will negatively affect the family. They will “drain” you if you let them. The ones always late to the gatherings, bring the drama but never bring a dish to the potluck. They’re like that coworker who complains about other people but don’t finish their own work!
  

• Low-functioning Adolescent Family Member. The immature adults are looking for acceptance and belonging, and sometimes in their quest, are just clueless to their self-centered, disruptive behavior. They may resist accountability, will play the “victim” ALL THE TIME. In the workplace, you’ve got policies to handle those employees. But in a family, we tend to let things slide a little more; eventually, somebody’s going to get called out...
  

More on Dr. Liberty’s work, read my posts- "Who's Leading You?; or The Immature Leader.

So, if your family joins around the kitchen table for a “Soul Food moment” don’t just see them as the folks you grew up with. Look a little deeper, and you’ll see how your own organization, as family, plays out- with its own culture, its roles, and its share of drama, too. Good luck!

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Weekly wisdom, in their own words:

“Don’t live up to your stereotypes.” – Sherman Alexie (Oct. 7, 1966 -)